New Year’s Eve
Finn
Just before eleven o’clock, I opened the door to a smiling Carmen and Isa. “It’s about time you guys got here,” I said, but before I could go in for a hug, Carmen shoved her hand in my face and squealed unintelligibly in an octave I thought only dogs could hear.
“Babe, you need to dial it down about thirty notches,” Isa said, but her smile was huge and her eyes twinkled with excitement.
Carmen took a deep breath and started again. “We’re engaged!”
I looked from one smiling face to the other and couldn’t help but return my own smile right back. Their enthusiasm was contagious. “Holy shit, you guys! That’s amazing news!” I leaned in and pulled Carmen into a hug, squeezing her tightly as I whispered in her ear. “I’m so damn happy for you. You deserve this!” She pulled back, her eyes shimmering with happy tears. I kissed her on the forehead, then turned to Isa. “You better take care of her, or I’ll kick your ass.”
“You know she’d kick my ass before you even got a chance, right?”
“Fair point. Come here.” I pulled her into a hug, this time whispering in Isa’s ear. “You’ve been so good for her. You make her happy, and that makes me happy. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I gave her an extra squeeze, then released her, stepping back and gesturing them to come into our apartment. “Come on in. Let’s get you some drinks.”
I walked them back into the kitchen and handed Isa her favorite seltzer, then mixed a vodka cranberry for Carmen. They immediately started a conversation with two baristas from The Daily Grind, a gay couple I’d become friends with when I finally started letting people in. I’d still call myself an introvert, but I was definitely more open to making friends. It was nice to have some people to talk to outside of Carmen and Jamie, even if only casually.
Speaking of Jamie, I realized I hadn’t seen him in the last fifteen minutes or so. I glanced over to the living area of our small apartment noting that he wasn’t among the group of teachers chatting on our couches. It had been Jamie’s idea to host this little gathering for New Year’s and though I typically didn’t like parties, I’d agreed, if only to put a smile on his face.
The holidays had been hard on him this year. Aunt Cathy had been a godsend, trying to fill in as many gaps as possible, but I could tell it had been hard on her, too. Even at her sickest, Annie had been the heart of the family. She’d radiated light and warmth on everyone she came in contact with, but most especially her family. She’d been in my own life for just a few months, yet her impact on me had been massive. She’d woven herself into the fabric of my soul, healing many of the wounds my own mother had created, though losing her had created a few more.
Jamie and I had baked holiday cookies a few weeks ago and I’d found myself crying as I’d rolled out the dough, thinking about how Annie had perched on a stool at the end of the counter and watched me do the same thing just a year ago, the night Jamie had taken me on our first date. The week before that, Jamie and I’d put up the tree, and I’d encouraged him to tell me stories of Annie as he hung up the ornaments she’d saved from his childhood. We’d both managed to get through it without crying until I pulled out the ornament she’d given me last year on Christmas morning. Jamie had wrapped his arms around me and we’d both taken a moment to let the tears fall. There’d been other moments this holiday season that had brought forth the emotion, but through it all, we’d taken a moment to feel our feelings, and then had done our best to honor Annie’s memory by living as she had, with warmth and humor and love.
I crossed over to Asher, who was sharing a chair with Joshua. The newlyweds were chatting with the group of teachers in the living room. I waited for an opening in the conversation, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, have you seen Jamie?”
His eyebrows rose and I could see a hint of worry flicker in his eyes. “Last I saw him, I think he was headed toward the balcony. But that was a while ago. Everything okay?”
“I’ll check there. I’m sure everything’s fine.” I squeezed his shoulder as I passed, grabbing a blanket off the back of one of the chairs not in use, then stepped outside into the chilly night air.
Jamie
I shivered as I sat on one of the patio chairs on the tiny balcony of our apartment. It was barely big enough to hold two chairs and a tiny table, but since I was out here by myself, it didn’t much matter. I’d thought hosting a party tonight would be a good distraction, that surrounding ourselves with our closest friends would be healing after a year of mourning all those firsts that come after losing someone. And to some degree, I’d been right. I’d enjoyed talking and laughing with our friends most of the evening, but as sometimes happened, a thought or a memory would flitter across my mind, unbidden, and it would send me spiraling. This time, it had been the scent of someone’s lotion that had a lump forming in my throat. I’d quietly excused myself and headed for the balcony, hoping the cool air would shock my system into keeping the tears at bay. It had taken longer than I’d thought to beat the sadness back, so here I was, freezing on my balcony while a party carried on behind me.
The door opened, sending warmth and laughter into the night air, and I turned to see Finn stepping out with a blanket. I should have known he’d come looking for me. I felt bad taking him away from the party but couldn’t help but be glad for his presence.
He pushed the table away and scooted the second chair right up against mine, then sat and unfolded the blanket over both of us. He took my hand in his, rubbing some warmth into it, but didn’t say anything. I loved that about him, his quiet steadiness. He didn’t push, he didn’t ask, he just allowed me to be.
We sat like that for a few moments, as I breathed him in and absorbed his warmth. Eventually, he broke the silence. “Carmen and Isa are engaged.”
“Wow, that’s awesome,” I said and meant it. When we’d first met, Finn had told me how Carmen had always had such shitty taste in women, but he’d thought Isa was a good fit for her, and I’d agreed. She had a serenity about her that was good for Carmen’s fiery personality, but she had a backbone, which meant she didn’t let Carmen push her around, either. They were a good balance for each other. “Did they share any details? How it came about or when they were thinking of having the wedding?”
“We didn’t get that far. They just got here a few minutes ago. I got them set up with drinks then came to find you.”
“I’m sorry I took you away from the party.”
“Don’t be sorry. You know I like an excuse to take a break from peopling.” He bumped me with his shoulder and I chuckled. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, that’s okay. There’s not much to talk about. I just miss her, you know? I got a whiff of someone’s lotion and it reminded me of her. Sometimes the grief washes over me in waves. This time, it felt like a tsunami and I needed a moment.”
He leaned over and pressed a kiss to my shoulder. “I wish I could take away the pain, baby.”
“I know. And I know you miss her too.” I laid my head on his shoulder. “This helps. Letting me sit with it for a moment. Sharing it with me.”
Finn
The weight of his head on my shoulder was comforting. It had been months since he’d had a dissociative episode, but the fear that he could slip back into that place was always with me. Sitting here now, though, he wasn’t pushing me away; he was doing quite the opposite. He was leaning into me, seeking comfort. Allowing me to be there for him. I hoped he’d always let me be there for him, in the same way he’d been there for me.
I tilted my head to rest it against his.
“Marry me, Finn.” The words were spoken quietly into the darkness, so softly, I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly.
“What?” Startled, I sat up, trying to look at him.
He lifted his head and turned toward me, a determined gleam in his eye. “I said, marry me.”
“You’re serious?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t.”
“Jamie…just because Carmen and Isa–”
“No. This has nothing to do with them. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, trying to come up with a grand, romantic gesture. I thought about doing it at one of your gigs at Ivory, or maybe the café. I thought about doing it at Christmas at Aunt Cathy’s or maybe even tonight at midnight.” He took both of my hands in his. “I actually have a ring hidden in my bedside drawer.”
“Bold move since that’s where we keep the lube.”
He flashed me a grin. A genuine one that warmed me from the inside out. It was a relief to see that beautiful smile of his. “It’s in the back buried behind a bunch of other junk.” He pushed the blanket off his lap, kneeling awkwardly in the tight space of the balcony. “You would have hated all of those options in front of so many other people.”
“You’re right. I would have. So why now?”
“I want to go into the new year engaged. I want this year to be filled with new, happy milestones. And the year after that and the year after that. I want forever with you, Finn.”
“Jamie, we can create happy memories without getting married.” I brushed my hand against his cheek, softening my tone. “And you know the grief will still be there, right? You can’t just erase that.”
His face fell, and I hated that I’d been the one to cause that, but I had to be sure. “You don’t want to get married?”
“Baby, of course I want to marry you. I want that very much. I just want to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons. I can’t be a Band-Aid for your grief. I don’t want to be something you regret.”
He rose up on his knees and pressed his lips to mine. “I could never regret you. Never. I want this with you, Finn. I want everything. I want to make you breakfast in bed, and to come to Ivory and watch you play. I want to be your groupie at book signings. I want to take you out on dates and buy a house and get a dog. Maybe we adopt some kids or maybe we spend my summers off traveling.”
My chest ached with the idea of it. I wanted all of that so badly. I wanted to build a home and start a family. I wanted to give the kind of love to our kids that wasn’t ever given to me. It scared the shit out of me that I wouldn’t know how, but I trusted that Jamie could show me. But damn, what if we planned a wedding and the reality of his loss came crashing down on him the day after? Before I could articulate that question, he forged on.
“I know this seems sudden, and I know you came out here and I was all up in my head with the grief, so it seems like this is some sort of rebound thing to do with my Mom, but it’s not, Finn. I don’t want to gloss over the grief. It’s going to be hard to do this without her, if I’m being honest. But I think it’ll be healing too. To incorporate her memory into the ceremony. And my dad’s, too.” He reached up and put both hands on either side of my face. “Whether it’s this year, or the next, I’m not going to change my mind. I’ll ask you on Valentine’s Day. And your birthday. And on the Fourth of July. And on every Tuesday and Saturday until you say yes. I love you, baby.” His eyes bore into mine with such earnest hope, I knew he meant every word. Something squeezed in my chest, then unwound as warmth flowed through me. It was the oddest feeling, but in its wake, was a rightness. And as ludicrous as it sounded, it felt like Annie gave me a little nudge. Like I heard her voice say, “It’s okay. Trust in the love you have for each other.”
And so I did.
“Yes, Jamie. I’ll marry you.”
Jamie
“Yes?”
Finn nodded, his smile stretching wide across his face. “Yes!”
I threw my arms around him, practically knocking over the chair he was sitting on in my enthusiasm. “Wait. Stay right here.” I hopped up, nearly falling as I tried to step over him but got my feet tangled in the blanket. Shaking it off, I paused at the door, looking back at the love of my life. “I love you so much.” I leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Be right back. Stay here!”
His chuckles followed as I shut the door behind me and was immediately assaulted with warmth and laughter as the party I’d almost forgotten about raged on without us. I crossed through the living room, dodging the quizzical looks of my friends, as I ducked into the bedroom. Circling the bed, I yanked open the drawer to the bedside table, rifling around until I came up with the ring I’d been saving for the perfect moment. I pulled the little box out triumphantly, stuffed it into my pocket, and headed back out to present it to my brand-new fiancé.
Before I made it to the door to the balcony, I was stopped by Carmen who shoved a long stem flute of champagne in my hand. “Where’s Finn? It’s almost midnight.” She looked around the room, as if he might be hiding somewhere in our tiny apartment. “Uh. Give me just a sec.”
I hastily handed the champagne back to her and made my way out to the balcony. Finn was wrapped entirely in the blanket with only his nose and eyes visible. Poor baby. I’d get him warmed back up in just a moment.
I threw myself in front of him, excitement thrumming in my veins, making me impervious to the cold. I knelt and presented the box to him with a flourish. “Say it one more time, baby. Will you marry me?”
The blanket muffled his chuckle, but his eyes were alight with merriment. Those eyes had once held so much sadness. Now, I felt like the king of the world every time I was able to put that look of humor in them. He pulled the blanket down, exposing his face, and gave me the one word I wanted to hear. “Yes.”
I shoved my free hand inside the blanket, searching until I found his left hand. I pulled it out and placed the ring on his finger, smiling at the brushed tungsten band resting against his pale skin. A voice whispered across my mind, “Ah, sweet boy, it’s about damn time.” Tears blurred my eyes, but this time they were pure happiness. I laid a kiss over the ring, then pressed my lips to his, slipping my tongue inside, tangling with his so sweetly.
The sound of people counting down to midnight interrupted the moment as the door was yanked open. “You two. Get in here. You’re about to miss it.” At the sound of Carmen’s voice, we broke the kiss and looked up. She was standing half in and half out with one eyebrow raised.
I pressed my forehead to his, breathing him in. “I guess we better get in there.”
“Or face Carmen’s wrath.”
I stood and tugged him up with me. He scooped up the blanket and we stepped through the door right as our gaggle of friends that were gathered in the living room got to “five” in the countdown. Someone handed us flutes of champagne and we faced each other, staring into each other’s eyes as the people around us continued to count down. Shouts of Happy New Year rang out, and I assumed people kissed and drank their champagne, but I didn’t see any of it. My eyes were locked on Finn’s. “I love you so much. This year…you got me through it. I don’t know where I’d be without–”
“Shh. You would have found a way.”
I shook my head. “You’re my everything, baby. I can’t wait to build a future with you.”
“You are my future. If I got you through the last year, it was only because you taught me how. You refused to give up on me. You taught me what love looks like. I just returned those things back to you.”
“Well aren’t we quite the mushy pair?” I said with a grin.
“Maybe we should kiss before we get any worse?”
I leaned in and took his mouth in mine, infusing the kiss with all the love and gratitude I held inside of me. His hands came up to grip my face as he angled the kiss deeper. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close as the kiss went on and on. I never wanted to let him go. Actually, I kind of wanted to kick all these people out so I could continue this kiss in the bedroom. I wanted to make love to my fiancé.
“What is that?” For the second time tonight, Carmen interrupted us mid-kiss.
We pulled away and turned to look at her, though I kept my arms locked around him. She walked closer, pointing in our direction. “What is that on Finn’s hand? What is that? Was that there when we got there? What is happening here?” Her voice rose in pitch with each question.
Finn pulled his hand away from my face and looked at it, casual as can be. “This? Oh, yeah, we’re engaged.”
Her squeals could be heard in the neighboring building, I was sure of it.